Aries
(March 21 - April 19)
Today you will find love in all the wrong places. When you go to a pizza place and order a medium orange pianapple pizza, the woman next to you in a purple dress will say "Good heavens that is my favorite pizza! My name is Shaniqua. I enjoy long walks with my dog, JahWanna, and eating this pizza." You will then say you love the same thing. Some other stuff will happen and in two months you will get married. One day later you will find out she is man!
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Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
You are in good favor today because the sun is in it's third trimester of the Taurus. My horoscope for you today is you will win the lottery (good for you) then while walking home the sun will turn to the moon and you will be struck by bus #4731. That is the bus which goes from your hometown to another town.
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Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
Gemini... well what can I say? Today is good day. I will just let you find out about it. A pre-warning: you must find the jade monkey in the valley of death or you too will die.
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Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
I'm afraid to tell you this, but today is a bad day for you. Stay home from work today or you may find yourself in a conflict with a co-worker. It's Steve and he says you are gay. If I was you I would beat him up when he is going to his car.
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Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
The outlook for you is fair. No real good or bad can happen to you today. There are no exceptions to this horoscope. Congrats!
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Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
My ouija board said "ehhgwoa poigiui wgarghwhj hewojgofrhskg" Translated that means "you may die or read a crazy story about Sean 'puffy' Combs and tell your friends about the site you got it from."
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Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
You havn't been completely honest with your 14-year-old daugther and now its coming back to kick you in the balls. If you dont come clean with her soon, a Pepsi delivery truck will run off the road and run you over with all of your closest family watching your gruesome death.
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Scorpio
(October 23 - November 21)
You're lucky day has finally arrived. Just joking! You're going to die too!
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Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
If you're planning any trips to Maui any time soon, I would reschedule. Or you might just get a visit from our good freind, Mr. Reaper. Oh by the way, that's going to happen whether you go to Maui or not.
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Capricorn
(December 22 - January 19)
You are going to be in accident today. No, that isn't bad! You won't have to go to work for weeks. But this is bad: you see, you will fall madly in love with the nurse. When your signifigant other finds out she will be filled with hate and anger. She will do nothinbg to you, but one night the nurse will come in your room and then you will be smothered. Sorry.
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Aquarius
(January 20 - February 18)
Looks like here comes your birthday! Nothing bad can happen on birthdays... or can it...
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Pisces
(February 19 - March 20)
Kill Frenzy, fish boy! Kill 20 people with the flame thrower in 2 minutes. (Note: Don't Actually do that.)
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