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Jimmy Johnson Retires, Can Now Spend Time With His "Family"
As you may know, the head coach of the Miami Dolphins, Jimmy Johnson, retired from the game of football last Sunday. Johnson said that he was retiring so he could spend more time relaxing and being with his family. This morning, however, the Daily Truth’s own Michael Walter learned that Mr. Johnson was seen with a new face last night. Apparently, by "being with his family", Johnson meant Chris Kirkpatrick of the popular boy’s band, N’SYNC. The two were seen at a Holiday Inn 23 miles away from Miami, Florida holding hands. Once word spread of the love affair, camera crews from every corner of America showed up with pesky reporters and a lot of film. The two lovers don’t plan on settling down anytime soon. This is due, mainly, to the fact that N’SYNC is constantly on tour. Johnson, who is happily married with a family, has released a statement through his lawyers that the Daily Truth staff felt was our right to display it below.
"Chris and I have secretly been meeting for the last 5 months, and since the football season is over, we plan on becoming much more serious. I would like to apologize to my wife and kids for the grief that this may bring. I plan on paying a substantial amount of money to them and will happily pay any child support that is asked. I would like to tell everyone involved with the Miami Dolphins organization that, in no way, did I mean to embarrass them. I would like nothing more than to be remembered as the coach that brought the Dolphins to the playoffs, not as the coach that was ‘queer’ or a ‘fruit’. I will never forget the wonderful times I had with my family. I just know that Chris and I will have many more great times. Thank you for your support."
Recently, some of our field photographers caught a few glimpses of one Courtney Love affiliating with a Llama of unknown origin. When confronted with this, Miss Love at first denied having contact with the Llama, but later admitted to their relationship. "I really have nothing to hide.", said Love, "Me and Llarry get along really well. He is a good lov... um... freind, and we have alot in common."
Apparently so. Ms. Love's "people" said that she is pregnant with Llarry's child early today at a press conference. This was confirmed by our very own field reporter, Michael Walter. He was rummaging through her garbage when he found "special pictures" of the two lovebirds making sweet love. One of the pictures even involved a third person, Mr. Sean "Puffy" Combs. Mr. Combs could not be reached for comment, but when we asked his current girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez, if she knew anything about this, she said that she knew and "Loved to watch them go at it".
HARLEM, NY - It is a dark day for Girl Scouts, as a traumatic event has taken place in Harlem, New York. The day started innocent enough: youth Amy LaTrice was going door to door in the ghetto trying to sell cookies to local residents for her Girl Scout troop. Upon arrival of famous rap artist Juvenille, a shocking turn of events occured.
Miss Latrice asked Juvenille if he would buy some "World Famous Mint Thins",
when, to her horror, he replied, "You a fine black woman, won't you back 'dat ass up?". Shocked, Amy turned and ran away as fast as she could. Crying, she later noted that the rap artist said "many other naughty things", but she couldn’t understand most of them. When questioned about the incident, Juvenille simply replied, "Man, why you be playa' hatin' on me dawg? Can’t you hook a brotha’ up?" In response to this, the staff at the Daily Truth says to Mr. Juvenille: Sir, learn some manners and 'back your ass up.'
The Daily Truth has just been informed that Latin superstar Enrique Iglesias was killed earlier today. Iglesias, who has been enjoying success in America for the last year, died while driving to a friends house in New York at about 12:20 PM Tuesday. The fatal accident happened when Iglesias was switching lanes on I-95. The truck he was passing did not see Iglesias and sped up, crashing into the Latin star and killing him immediately. Fortunately no one else was hurt in this unfortunate accident. Keep tuned to this site for funeral information and where his family can be reached.
Word has come in that the next "Q" in the upcoming James Bond movie will be played by comedian Paul Rubens, famous for his role as PeeWee Herman. As you may know, Desmond Lleweyn had played Q in all of the previous Bond films, but unfortunatly he died in a car crash recently.
When we reached Mr. Rubens for comments, he said, "I'm really exited about it. Until now, I havn't really had many chances for acting in any motion pictures... maybe due to that whole crazy 'jerking off in a porno theatre' scene..."
The film, which has not been
named as of yet, has been scheduled for release later this year. Be expected for a totally new "Q" when that one comes out.
